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The Matrix Online
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Vector - Hostile World Discussion - Vector May as well make this official. Goodbye May as well make this official. Goodbye privaronT 0 11/14/2008 02:39
 

Well its been a long time coming but I figure Ill make a post. I think Im going to be leaving MxO. Not sure if its for good or if its just temporary but I suppose time will tell.

Reasons Im leaving is a combo of both RL social stuff  and what I feel is the decline of the games quality which I wont bother to get into detail about here. Both of which however collectively drained what little interest I had left in the game.

To those I offended sorry for being honest.

To those I betrayed I hope the fact that I believe my own BS until the oppurtunity presents itself to capitilize makes you feel better. If I didnt how could I have convinced you to trust me?

To the very few that stuck their neck out for me without an oppurtunistic aura I appreciate it. I decided to not name your names because well that would be counter productive now wouldn't it? SMILEY

 

Truth be told the main reason I came back was to do a MxO film something I am still confident I could pull off. It was the driving force to keep me playing for a year and a half a follow up to AOV and a closing chapter for my character. I had help from many of you in this regard and I wanted to say thank you. My only regret since playing this game since 2004 was not finding the motivation to finish it. Maybe it was a little bit of being afraid the movie wouldn't live up to my expectations maybe it was a more comercial side of myself thinking it wouldnt live up to all of yours but with that said I believe I have decided to finally retire the idea and probably my characters unless I see a real reason to play as a Cypherite again.

I suppose now would be the perfect time to do it close the chapter but the more I think about it the less interested I am now. When playing a game for 4 years you go through interest phases. Im wondering if this will just be a phase in which I plan to come back but I really doubt it. I have alot of things I plan to do including going back to college and honestly if even a few of these aspirations come into fruition this game will be the last thing on my mind.

I guess the one apology I will concede is to Rarebit who I actually had the pleasure to meet at fanfaire this year. Honestly dude I hope you find what your looking for with this game. The only reason I ever nagged you so hard was because I really saw alot of artistic potential for the storyline it reminded me alot of manga anime plots with a more interactive medium. Although Im really dissapointed at the loss of the Cypherite organizations frankly I feel like the Shimada cinematic not only showcased how much artistic talent you have as a person but really provided you an outlet to really bring these characters to life and do them justice.

Dare I say that as someone who really cared about the story maybe you drawing manga quality cinematics instead of leet RPing with Cyph veterans was the right move for the story or at least the conslusion of it. I suppose in that small regard Ill concede that much and wish you luck in really giving these characters the attention they deserve.  You seemed like a nice guy in person and if I was on your case any harder than I should have been Im sorry.  I just always had high expectations and hopes for this game like alot of people and sometimes blamed human beings instead of circumstance right or wrong.

Anyways to the rest of you best of luck to you as people in your respective paths in life.

 

Trucidos

 

 

The Lounge Off-Topic Discussion It's Official Bioware announces Star Wars MMO It's Official Bioware announces Star Wars MMO privaronT 0 10/21/2008 14:16
  Heres a link with a bunch of screens and details.
Gameplay Discussion Missions and Storyline So now that the Cypherites and E Pluribus wont be supported by MxO what will you do? So now that the Cypherites and E Pluribus wont be supported by MxO what will you do? privaronT 0 10/09/2008 13:28
  Just curious on some of your plans. I guess were not even going to be getting the organizational meetings or occasional live events so its pretty much if your Cypherite you don't get content.

I dont know I may cut back down to one sub to see how things work out of morbid curiosity. Other than that who knows.
The Lounge Off-Topic Discussion NBA 2008-2009 discussion NBA 2008-2009 discussion privaronT 0 10/08/2008 18:17
  Ok well first pre season game started last night and I am a pretty big basketball fan so I figured I would start this thread to attempt to get some discussion going regarding this years NBA season.

With that said who are you rooting for and what are your expectations this year?


Right now I am a hardcore Cavs fan I grew up five minutes away from where they used to play in the 90's and LBJ has been the first sign of dignity the franchise has seen since they left my hometown of Richfield for the Gund Arena.
Right now with the addition of Mo Williams I think were a serious contender for the ECF and possibly the finals depending on how the Celtics play without Posey this year and how good Lebron James plays in the playoffs.

With that said however I guess Im holding out for next year we have alot of cap room and Im hoping they sign another major star to compliment Lebron James. Although Williams is a piece he's not a final solution. We still have to contend with teams like LA who have Kobe and Bynum not to mention Gasol than we all know what happened with the Spurs two years ago when you rely on one star player.

Anyways lets hear what you guys expect this season.
The Lounge Off-Topic Discussion Travis Barker from Blink 182 seriously injured in a plane crash. Travis Barker from Blink 182 seriously injured in a plane crash. privaronT 0 09/23/2008 08:09
  I randomly came across this today. Glad the guy seems like he's going to recover his Blink 182 stuff sucked but some of the remixes he has done with various rap artists have been awesome. Good to see he still has some more music ahead of him.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008...in4462404.shtml
Vector - Hostile Marketplace - Vector WTS Valfreja's Shield Male or Female WTS Valfreja's Shield Male or Female privaronT 0 09/21/2008 09:34
  Starting bids 50 million info
The Lounge Off-Topic Discussion Monolith and WB regain rights to FEAR 2 rename Project Origin. Monolith and WB regain rights to FEAR 2 rename Project Origin. privaronT 0 09/08/2008 11:38
  It seems they regained the rights and have renamed the game FEAR 2 Project Origin
http://pc.ign.com/articles/908/908390p1.html
Desert of the Real SOE Discussion So is everyone on vacation or what? So is everyone on vacation or what? privaronT 0 09/07/2008 08:03
  So ok to recap a rather long story the other day my faction was given a CYPH tag faction Sweet Dreams CYPH

Later that evening an EPN faction who was receiving their EPN tag was literally renamed Sweet Dreams EPN by someone within customer service although I am aware of the situation ironicly enough only through LESIG informing me about it customer service has had my CCR for over 48 hours now aand not even replied to it after what Ill refer to as a colorful little mistake.

I heard Brewko was on vacation but dont they have anyone working in CS right now? I figure maybe yano having the ability to reply to tickets when you replicate faction names might be a handy little feature.
Vector - Hostile Next Renaissance - Vector A Message to the Merovingian Organization A Message to the Merovingian Organization privaronT 0 08/23/2008 09:47
 
Your torture of bluepills and acceptance of such research has gone to far
As an organization who understands causality these are the results
You caused a war with the Cypherites
The effect
Justice



Vector - Hostile Marketplace - Vector WTB SSR Gum and Quicksilver Gloves WTB SSR Gum and Quicksilver Gloves privaron0 0 08/03/2008 20:07
  .
Community Redpill Rescue Do Patchers Pills stack with Fast Healing 1.0 or 2.0? Do Patchers Pills stack with Fast Healing 1.0 or 2.0? privaron0 0 07/31/2008 09:16
  Just need a definitive answer before I go and buy a ton of these thanks guys!
Vector - Hostile Next Renaissance - Vector A message to Mr. X A message to Mr. X privaron0 0 07/17/2008 19:09
  You can run but you cannot hide Mr. Jackson. We suggest you make this easy on yourself. The system and combined efforts of the Cypherite's will not allow you rest until you turn yourself in for questioning.




The Lounge Off-Topic Discussion Oscar the Grouches Revenge Oscar the Grouches Revenge privaron0 0 07/17/2008 10:15
  Wow.. I want to move to San Fransisco. I wont even have to take out my garbage.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayo...g.ap/index.html
Gameplay Discussion Missions and Storyline What's the best Archive arc to cycle through for XP? What's the best Archive arc to cycle through for XP? privaron0 0 07/15/2008 18:36
  I figure someone has had to of figured this out.. I already got all my doo dads and stuff I'm wondering now what the most efficient arc to just cycle through would be.
Vector - Hostile Marketplace - Vector WTB Master Shurikens WTB Master Shurikens privaron0 0 07/03/2008 16:21
  /tell Privaront in game with how much you want for them.
Community General Discussion Shuriken Drop Rate Information Shuriken Drop Rate Information privaron0 0 07/03/2008 12:39
  Hey guys was wondering if anyone has definitive explicit information regarding the Shuriken drop rate and how it works yet. Right now I have done 6 Master level boxes out of these six boxes I have only had two Shurikens drop.

Could this because I have a team full of 50s killing them for me in team? Is it because I am actually lower level than the actual box or its loot? Just trying to figure out whats going on. Most of the people I talk to say they receive on average about 2 shurikens per box.

Right now I am level 38
Abilities and Disciplines Command Line - Hacker Discussion Patcher Pills Patcher Pills privaron0 0 07/03/2008 05:21
  Has anyone used these before? The buffs look worth it to farm with someone like me who has some extra time on their hands.

Also before I came back I was under the impression a few high end consumables retained the buff after reconstruction I was wondering if this was one of them.
The Lounge Off-Topic Discussion So what are your July 4th plans? So what are your July 4th plans? privaron0 0 07/02/2008 18:44
  Going to have a cookout make ribs hot dogs burgers steak etc have the family over nothing big.

May go camping out for a few days in Southern Ohio in which case Ill stock up on fireworks.
Vector - Hostile Next Renaissance - Vector I hate to say I told ya so.. so Ill just say this is the price we pay for drinking to the dead. I hate to say I told ya so.. so Ill just say this is the price we pay for drinking to the dead. privaron0 0 07/02/2008 09:48
 
#-RELAY-ESTABLISHED-BROADCASTING

#-LOG-FEED_INCOMING-HvCFT-ESOTERIC
[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Sayleen is trash. Are you her friend?

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: I was the person who helped get the coordinates to her ship..

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Freinds hardly..



[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Funny story is.. after she tried to rationalize your death.. I kinda flipped out on her.

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: But looks like your not dead are ya?
[System] Nihilisa Level 8 Hacker

[System] Found 1 players.

[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: I'd say it looks that way from where I'm standing.
[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: I dont like people who use our operatives lives as pawns.. than lie about it.



[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: I see you in my area.. are you ok?



[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Sayleen will get hers, and so will the rest of the Cypherites for hanging me out to dry.

Nihilisa: We didn't hang you out to dry.. if you blame anyone blame me.

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: I was in charge of relaying her coordinates for a rescue craft to arrive. She reported you dead.

[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Training mission, my *CENSORED*.

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: You think ur the only one..?

Nihilisa: Sayleen was her name, tried to snuff me.

Nihilisa: I can't believe I ever thought it was a good idea to join up with those pathetic sob stories.

Nihilisa: She was supposed to be 'training' me.

Nihilisa: then things got messy and my cover got blown.

Nihilisa: We were trying to track down a ZIon courier making a delivery.

Nihilisa: Instead she tried to kill me.

Nihilisa: I'm trying to find out what the Cypherites were doing here a couple days, i'm gonna hunt that Sayleen trash down and give her her due.

 Privaront: If you think were going to let her just defect..

 Privaront: You got another thing comin..

GuardianAngel: Hah! bring it on

ALCHEMlST: any ideas where she might 'hang' around?

Privaront: Your not going to get Away..

GuardianAngel: gotcha

Nihilisa: Not a clue really.

Amiculum: There's a cyph.

Privaront: Well finish the job you dumb girl..

System] Privaront was just killed by Revull.

Nihilisa: Hahahahaha!
[System] Nihilisa laughs at SMG Simulacrum.

DEV1LL: We have no guards?

Amiculum: Dumb girl? Big words.

Gretyl: Sombody watch the stairs and elevators.

ALCHEMlST: tell Sayleen i'm looking for her

Tasvyder: Was there anywhere they had for you to go when you were with Zion?

Shenzai: Hmph.

Nihilisa: I like you guys a lot better than those Cypherites.

GuardianAngel: I was doing it DEV. He had a shield though.
[System] Myztiko hugs Nihilisa.

Gretyl: A drop point perhaps Nihilisa

Amiculum: We get that a lot.

Zeac: So what did I miss?

[System] ALCHEMlST bows his head to Nihilisa.

Nihilisa: Hmmm well how can I help you?
[System] GDisciple hugs Nihilisa.

Amiculum: Giving us something to go on.

Nihilisa: What are you looking for?

Amiculum: The cypherites.

Gretyl: Do you know of any safe houses the cypherites use?

GuardianAngel: Or just giving GD some love. At least that'll stop his twitching...

Tasvyder: Anywhere they might be hiding.

Mystey: ask the one lying in the corner

Gretyl: drop points as well.

Nihilisa: Well I wasted most of time on that Zion crew in that 'training' mission....

[System] LordVolxen shakes Nihilisa's hand.
 GDisciple: What about your other time?

Nihilisa: But they do like to hang out in the less... desirable areas of downtown.

Revull: What did the training mission look like?

Amiculum: Like?

Amiculum: Edgewater is a pit.

Nihilisa: draws less attention I guess.

[System] ALCHEMlST bows his head to Tasvyder.

Gretyl: Did you ever go to any of these places or just heard about them?

[System] Zeac disapproves of you.

GDisciple: Can you take us to one or give directions?

Nihilisa: No i've never been to one but yeah, I've heard them talk about having a couple safe houses in the South Vauxton area.

Amiculum: Right.

Amiculum: I think that's our clue.

Nihilisa: Low rent area.

Gretyl: Well thats what we call a lead.

GDisciple: South Vauxtion...what a dump..

Tasvyder: Merci cheri.  You, may want to get out of here, before your visitor decided to return.

Tue Jul 01 19:29:23 2008 [System] Amiculum stomps his foot at you.

Gretyl: will you be joining us nihilsa?

Nihilisa: See if you can make a good mess of it if you find one.

GDisciple: Hmm...lets go then..

Gretyl: Oh, i don't think you need to worry about that.



Nihilisa: No, I think you all are far better suited for that kind of work than me.

[System] Tasvyder curtseys for Nihilisa.

Privaront: ##-RELAY-ESTABLISHED-BLUE_DREAMER-CONNECTION-APPROVED-BROADCASTNG

Nihilisa: I've got a trail to stay on....
Nihilisa: You're with them. You didn't tell me that!


[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Nice try though.

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Try...!?

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: I basicly tore her head off.

[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Looks like it's still in place to me... for now.




[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Go on back to Sayleen and tell her her days are numbered.

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Your little betrayal was already being relayed to Dreami's ship..

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Trust me you signed your death certificate before you ever left that building.
[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Betrayal was what started this and set me on the right path.

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Itl be a short one regardless..



[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Seems you gave away one of our safehouses in South Vaux...

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: If we jack pull our own freinds what do you think were going do to you?



[System] You target [Cypherite SMG Specialist]



 [Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Sayleen had her chance and she choked. Turnabout is more than fair play. This has only just started boy.



[System] You have received 1 CQ Point for defeating Tasvyder for a total of 79.

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Tasvyder: Hmm thanks for the CQ.. very kind of you..

[System] Gretyl was just killed by Cypherite SMG Specialist.



Tue Jul 01 19:45:52 2008 [TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Cryptos is already cleaning up your little tantrum..

Tue Jul 01 19:46:15 2008 [TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: You see..?

Tue Jul 01 19:46:18 2008 [TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Always a step ahead..



[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: So they made a nice little mess of the place, good!

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Were going to make a mess of you..

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: Were you there when we killed Jenaro?

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: That was compassionate.. what were going to do to you is make an example.

[Tell] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: So far you're oh for two. Haha!

[TellSent] SOE+MXO+Vector-Hostile+Nihilisa: ...

This is the price we paid for drinking to the dead...



The Lounge Forum Games What are you eating or drinking? What are you eating or drinking? privaron0 0 07/01/2008 19:13
  Inspired by Yasamuu's what are you ooglin on your screen and Bayamos what are you hearin with your ears threads.

Drinking

St. Clement

Vintage 2003 Oroppas

Cabernet
Vector - Hostile Marketplace - Vector WTB Patcher Pills WTB Patcher Pills privaron0 0 06/30/2008 20:12
  Yeah this is no joke.. .


Vector - Hostile Marketplace - Vector WTB Male Formal Dress Shoes WTB Male Formal Dress Shoes privaron0 0 06/19/2008 08:09
  You can get ahold of me in game on Privaront or on the forums.
Abilities and Disciplines Dojo - Operative Discussion Does anyone have a definitive number of MA kill animations? Does anyone have a definitive number of MA kill animations? privaron0 0 06/14/2008 08:32
  I was wondering if there is a number out there of how many kill animations are through the entire Operative tree from MA Initiate to Grandmaster of all three trees.
Community General Discussion I guess Mauser was up to something big.. He's back. -Spoilers Machine Critical 10.2.5 I guess Mauser was up to something big.. He's back. -Spoilers Machine Critical 10.2.5 privaron0 0 06/12/2008 07:10
 


Desert of the Real SOE Discussion Does MxO use watchdog software like WoW? Does MxO use watchdog software like WoW? privaron0 0 06/09/2008 09:44
  Anyone know for a fact?
Vector - Hostile Events - Vector It's almost time. It's almost time. privaron0 0 06/08/2008 08:49
 
Ive been waiting on this my whole life
These dreams be waking me up at night
You say I think I'm never wrong
You know what, maybe you're right, aight

And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means to find your dreams

You say I get on your  nerves
You hope that I got what I deserve, word
Do you even remember what the issue is
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is
When you hop back in the car
Drive back to the crib
Run back to their arms
The smokescreens
The chokes and the screams
You ever wonder what it all really means?

And I'm back on my grind
A psychic read my lifeline
Told me in my lifetime
My name would help light up the Mega City skyline
And that's why I'm on
  Four o'clock, that's primetime
Heaven'll watch, God calling from the hard lines
Why he keep giving me hot lines
I'm a star, how could I not shine?


#-DS+PG=Eterenus


Vector - Hostile Next Renaissance - Vector Are we there yet? Are we there yet? privaron0 0 06/08/2008 00:37
  Man people need to learn the wonders of a self help book and a nice long walk. 
Red Pill Blue Pill  everyone just needs to lay off the pills if you ask me.

Community Redpill Rescue Access Node Blip's not working. Access Node Blip's not working. privaron0 0 06/05/2008 07:00
  Anyone know if this is just a fluke on my end or something larger? Also one of my friends has been unable to get it going.
Vector - Hostile World Discussion - Vector List of Vector players attending fanfaire. List of Vector players attending fanfaire. privaron0 0 06/03/2008 08:29
  This threads so we can figure who all is going this year.



I myself will be showing up 100% and I swear to God Merc if it comes down to it I'm going to sprout Dan Marino wings and burn down that BK if I have to to make you come.  Haha.
Vector - Hostile Events - Vector Pieces to the puzzle. Pieces to the puzzle. privaron0 0 06/01/2008 06:33
  Those of you who know what I'm talking about don't need an introduction to this situation or its importance. If you have a piece lets talk and try to figure this out together.  A little cooperation might just thrust us into action.
Vector - Hostile Next Renaissance - Vector Humanity has their mountain to climb. I have mine. Humanity has their mountain to climb. I have mine. privaron0 0 05/31/2008 16:34
 


Hopefully by seeing this you can see I'm not your typical skirt chaser Dreami. She's more than that to me.

It's like whatever I do

Ooh
Just can't get through to you
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh


Now, now she loved me, shawty I loved her
Used to jump up in the maybach and roll out
Used to care, she used to share
The love that she used to give me can't be found
I lost my way, she said she'd stay
And lately I've been sleeping with a ghost
My stock is down and out, I used to be worth my weight in gold
That was before a great depression kicked in and rocked us
And that was before the hurricane came in and stopped us
I told you to leave, but you lied to me
When you said that, "baby no worries I promise to get us back".


I know sorries, just wouldn't do it
Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to travel through
But it's like moving mountains...
It's like moving mountains... hey.
But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns gray, and the water from the rain washes progress away.
It's like moving mountains...
It's like moving mountains...
Why just leave me?
Just leave me be.
Just leave me.
Just leave me be.
Why you just leave me
just leave me be.
Why you just leave me
just leave me be, ooh.


She, she don't touch me, I don't touch her
We rarely even ever say a word.
I really want to give her everything she deserves
But the bad took away the good.
She thinks that I'm full of it, arguments, always pissed, man I'm tired
Every kiss that i miss, girl you know I'm trying.
You never believe when I say, and I never believe it when you say
I love you Dearie, and I shouldn't complain about it
I should take it like a man and walk up out it
Cause we will never be the same, ooh.
I've been standing in gas, and you have been the flame.


I know sorries just wouldn't do it
Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to get through
Got to move this mountain.
It's like moving mountains... hey
But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns gray, and the water from the rain washes progress away
It's like moving mountains...
It's like moving mountains...
Well baby why you just leave me?
Just leave me be.
Just leave me.
Just leave me be.
Why you just leave me.
Just leave me be.
Why you just leave me.
Just leave me be, ooh.

This must be a slow death that im travelin on
It feels so wrong, I'm barely holdin on

See no matter what it takes, ive gotta get it together (baby yea)

And these hills that im travelin up
She aint showin me love
I'm down on my love


I know sorries just wouldn't do it
Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying, I'm trying my boo
But it's like moving mountains...
It's like moving mountains... hey.
But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns gray, and the water from the rain washes progress away
It's like moving mountains...
It's like moving mountains...
Well baby why you just leave me?
Just leave me be.
Just leave me.
Just leave me be.
Why you just leave me.
Just leave me be.
Why you just leave me.
Just leave me be, ooh.
Vector - Hostile Next Renaissance - Vector I guess the best thing to do when you run out of freinds is make them up. I guess the best thing to do when you run out of freinds is make them up. privaron0 0 05/27/2008 17:33
 
Dear Journal,

             I have no idea what I'm writing to. At first when I picked you up today from the store I thought you were a book. Pieces of paper carefully crafted together by the finest slave labor money can buy.
But than I got to thinking maybe your more than a book. Maybe your a last chance at trying to gather my thoughts.
I figure I need someone to talk to right now someone who isn't going to talk back who isn't going to judge me for the things Ive done.
Looks like your the only one left in Mega City. So heres to an honest relationship. Cheers. 





Tuesday May 27- 4:19


So Ive been back a few days now its eerie how little things have changed the cloud patterns the stores.. Even at Eber.. the same machines the same jingle coming from their worn out sound boxes.. I hate those machines.
They make me realize no matter what I do no matter how hard I try.. I'm never going to outlive them. I feel like I wasted alot of my life trying to do just that. Can't say I did a very good job at it did I? I mean here I am talking to a *CENSORED* book.

But some things have changed the faces.. the people and who they affiliate themselves with. Honestly the best way to describe it is having taken the red pill all over again. Realizing how little you mean in the scheme of things. How little any of us or the choices we make mean in this place no matter how long we plan them.   

No matter how hard we try there always seems to be another carefully crafted illusion to tear us down but who needs that when were still arguing about the same crap two years later anyways. It honestly makes me glad I'm in the position I am now. I feel like what I'm going through is a way of God giving me some peace of mind knowing I'll be given a final punishment.
Fact is I can't hate em for it I think it might just be the most compasionate thing he could have done for me.

But how can I be sure..? Isn't God just a system of control? Maybe it's me punishing myself. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I got so good at lying I'm lying to myself now. Wouldn't be shocked.

They did say the mind couldn't survive without the body. All of this just makes me want to give up. But Eternus taught me one thing.. theres always a higher iteration of hell you just have to go looking for it. Hopefully I can save her from finding herself there before its to late.

Maybe if I do it God will end it quicker. Finish the *CENSORED* job already. But even than I'm still scared of death. For instance that van that just pulled up to my house and stopped. You know it could be anyone. Freinds who I betrayed with the best of intentions. Enemies I lacked even a minimal level compassion for as fellow human beings. And people who's good nature I used against them.


But I guess its the fear that makes me realize how much work I have to do. How little I've really accomplished as a person. Because if I really think about it its not death I fear. It's dying without anyone knowing the truth. It's that funeral where not a single person from my past has a good thing to say about me. And its knowing deep down that they might have been right all along.



Privaront




 

 
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